torn

I’m torn as to how to organize my blog. My approach to the project—and that’s what as I’m seeing it as; that or an experiment—is to put it down, get it out, and THEN worry about editing, revising, re-designing. Or not. Depending on how it does, how it reads, how it feels, as is.

Because I am overwhelmed by the finality of turned-in papers, it is a liberating thought to consider this blog an ongoing process.

I’m also torn as to how I feel about the act of blogging itself. I’m at once attracted to the idea of being a blogger, and daunted by it. Why?

Time spent blogging is:
Time spent organizing and articulating my thoughts.
Time spent creating.
Time spent contributing content… to a content-overwhelmed universe?
Time spent apart from real people in real time.
Time spent reaching out to those I otherwise wouldn’t be able to reach.
Time spent initiating a potential conversation with the public, the readers, the stumblers-by.
Time spent wondering of what worth my thoughts are to others.

I have identified an aspect to being online-present that makes me uncomfortable: I feel uneasy considering that people might know when (exactly) I’m seated, staring at a computer monitor. I do not like time stamps. It’s not a privacy issue, not a safety issue... It’s a loss of control-issue, or an exposure issue. I do not want people—at least an unidentified population thereof—knowing what I’m up to at a given moment. I don’t. I don’t want to be constantly connected, or constantly accessible.

I am, in contrast, increasingly comfortable with being photographed and sharing photographs. Much less so with video, though. Video, live footage, is so much more exposing; it gives away so much more. Of what? Of who I am? Of who I am in a given moment? Do I worry about consistency? Is it the same question of audience? Do I worry that the wrong performance will be given to the wrong audience?

Am I hopeful that the performance will hit just the right audience, however small (maybe just me?), in just the right way? Yes. Maybe that.